By: Scott RossPublished: November 5, 2022

Guy Fawkes

Remember, remember, the 5th of November...

Guy Fawkes was born on April 14, 1570, into a Protestant family, but after the death of his father, his mother married a Catholic and so they both converted. He believed deeply enough in his second faith that at the age of 21 he went off to join the Spanish Catholic Army to fight any available Protestants, during which time he became well acquainted with the fine art of blowing shit up.

He eventually headed home to find that England and King James I in the early 1600s were not terribly kind to Catholics, and so he and some friends decided to take matter into their own hands--they would roll a few dozen barrels of gunpowder through the catacombs beneath the House of Lords and send the whole place sky-high on November 5, when the king would be on hand for the Opening of Parliament.

It was Fawkes who was tasked with waiting by the explosives until the appointed hour, whereupon he would light the fuse and presumably run like the dickens. Unfortunately, the Gunpowder Plot had a cheese-eater in their midst, someone who wrote an anonymous letter to William Parker, 4th Baron Monteagle (who also happened to be half-brother of Gunpowder Plot-ter Francis Tresham, if you're looking for suspects) warning of the coming attack.

And so, in the early morning hours of November 5, 1605, Fawkes was caught redhanded with a metric fuck-ton of gunpowder. Fawkes was interrogated the following day, originally claiming to be named John Johnson, but after days of torture he finally came clean and rolled over on his co-conspirators. Despite this, he was nonetheless sentenced to be hanged, drawn and quartered on January 31, 1606.

The moral of story? Lawyer up.


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